


Onions

by Jak_the_ATAT



Category: Call of Duty (Video Games)
Genre: Alex is disappointed, Crying, OOC, Obsession, Other, Swearing, Weirdness, because of onions, crack!fic, why does my brain come up with this stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:07:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27828712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jak_the_ATAT/pseuds/Jak_the_ATAT
Summary: Alex visits Frank to check on him and is not mentally prepared for what he's about to see.
Relationships: Frank Woods/Onions
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	Onions

**Author's Note:**

> I named myself Frank "Onion" Woods on Discord and got an entire server to spam "ONION." And that's how this fic was born. 
> 
> Lots of OOC-ness.

When Alex Mason heard nothing from Frank for a week, he began to worry. Knowing Frank, anything could have happened, from finding some hot babe to spend every night with, or doing something that lead to his kidnapping. Not that Frank would go down without a fight if he was being kidnapped, but the possibility still existed. 

So he paid Frank a visit. 

The first thing Alex noticed as he reached the little house and knocked on the door was the bitter aroma coming from inside. It wasn't a dead corpse smell--he knew that one too well--but something that made his eyes tingle in a way he didn't like. In fact, the more he thought about it, the more it smelled like burned onion soup. 

Oh boy.

Frank opened the door and the onion smell hit Alex in the face, nearly knocking him over. "Mason!" Frank said with a giant smile.

Alex blinked away the tears forming at the corners of his eyes. That was some really burned soup. "Woods, you haven't responded to my calls."

"Sorry. Been busy."

"Doing what?"

"Redecorating the house. Wanna see?"

It's then Alex noticed the rack of onions near the doorway. "What's that..?" He pointed to the onions, trying to sound nice about it and keep from saying, 'why the hell do you have onions at your front door?'

Frank beamed, knowing exactly what Alex saw. "That's my onions!" He sounded like a proud father

"That's a lot of onions."

"Really? It doesn't look like that many. Just..." he paused to count.

Alex didn't wait for Frank to finish. The smell was getting worse every second and he started to wonder if the entire stove was on fire. He pushed past Frank to turn off the water or at least stir it. 

He didn't make it to the kitchen. Alex stopped dead in his tracks as he noticed what kind of decorating Frank had done. Onions. Everywhere. Every shelf, every counterspace, every table had onions on it (including two little onions on the bedside table, Alex later discovered). Frank even tied a few onions to the overhanging light, which Alex didn't notice until his head hit one.

"Hey! Watch where you're going! Those are delicate specimens up there!" Frank scolded. "By the way, that shelf has 43 onions on it."

"Woods, what the fuck," Alex said.

Frank shrugged. "What can I say, I like onions."

"Like? This is more like obsessed!"

"So?"

"So—" Alex ran out of words. He racked his brain, trying to think of what to say but coming up empty. So he quickly wiped away a few of the tears getting lose. The smell. Right, the stove. Alex made his way over to the boiling pot and turned down the heat.

Frank watched him. "Oh, I forgot about that."

"How do you ever forget that?! Can you not smell--" Actually, that made no sense. It was just boiling water. 

"Calm down, Mason. It's just onions."

Alex wanted to laugh but feared he might just choke from the thick air. "Does this have anything to do with my comment about you being an onion?"

"What comment?"

"When you said 'I'm a goddamned onion' during that Yamantau mission. You know I was joking when I said 'Then tell me all about onions', right?"

Frank's gaze drifted off and he stared towards the corner of the house. Alex followed his line of sight but only saw more onions. "But I am an onion in stealth..." Frank hummed. 

"That's not how the saying goes, Woods. It's 'I know my onions'—"

Light popped into Franks eyes and he locked his gaze on Alex. "I do know my onions. You want me to list onions for you?"

"What, no—"

"Bermuda onions, boiling onions, chives, cipolini onions, silver skin onion, Egyptian onions, green onions, I'itoi onions, leeks, Maui onions—"

Alex didn't know how to pick up his jaw.

"Pearl onions, pickling onions, red onions, red wing onions, shallot onions, Spanish onions—" he gasped for breath. "—Texas Supasweet onions, vidalia onions, walla walla sweet onions, Welsh onions, white onions, yellow onions." He stopped and it's only then Alex realized he was gaping. He quickly shut his mouth.

"There's more," Frank said. "Should I—"

"No. Not now, Woods." It's then Alex noted a pot of boiling water. "You should probably finish making your soup."

"You want some?" Frank wandered over to the little kitchen.

"I'll pass."

"Suit yourself." He opened his mini fridge and grabbed some other vegetables, but Alex caught a glimpse of the entire top shelf. Onions. Just onions. 

Frank picked up one of the onions off the counter and patted the top of it. "Today is your day to be eaten, my sweet _Allium._ "

Alex couldn't even describe his disappointment with the sight before him. "You're not okay," He finally managed to free from his throat.

"No... I'm not. I love my onions," Frank admitted as he aggressively cut apart the onion.

**Author's Note:**

> The onion quote is so funny to me because it's geared towards the saying "know one's onions" (meaning to be an expert in something) and it go so close but missed by so much. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
